David Minkoff

Chapter One 

The Jewish Jokes
 
Early Years
 
Babies
 
Sarah has recently given birth to her first child. Sarah is also a bit of a worrier, to say the least, and she hasn’t been home long before she calls her doctor in a state of panic.
 
“So what’s the problem, Sarah?” asks the doctor.
 
“My baby has a temperature of 102, doctor. Is he going to die?” shouts Sarah.
 
The doctor, needing to determine whether Sarah was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere, says, “I hope you don’t mind me asking you this question, but—how are you taking it?
 
Sarah replies, “Oh, I’m holding up pretty well, doctor.”
 
•••
 
Sadie is 65 years old and has always remained unmarried, yet she desperately wants a baby of her own. So with the help of modern science and with the help of a fertility specialist, Sadie has her miracle baby.
 
When she gets home, all her friends and relatives come to see her and meet the new member of her family. But when they ask to see the baby, Sadie says, “not yet.”
 
A little later they again ask to see the baby and again Sadie says, “not yet.”
 
Finally they ask, “So when can we see the baby?”
 
Sadie replies, “When the baby cries.”
 
“Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” they say.
 
Sadie replies, “Because I forgot where I put it.”
 
•••
 
Rivkah went to her doctor for a checkup. Afterward the doctor said to her, “I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle.”
 
As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, “You vouldn’t belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me—‘You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel.’”
 
•••
 
Yitzhak and Melvyn live in a retirement home. One day, they are sitting on a bench under a tree, and Yitzhak turns to Melvyn and says, “Melvyn, I’m 85 years old and I’m full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”
 
Melvyn replies, “I feel just like a new-born baby.”
 
“Really? Like a baby?”
 
“Yes,” replies Melvyn, “No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet myself.”
 
•••
 
Sam had just picked up his wife Beckie and their new baby from the hospital and brought them home. It was not long before Beckie suggested that Sam should try his hand at changing the diaper. “I’m busy,” he said, “I promise I’ll do the next one.”
 
The next time soon came around so Beckie asked him again. Sam looked at Beckie and said, innocently, “I didn’t mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby.”
 
•••
 
Ruth had just given birth to her tenth child in Edgware hospital. “Congratulations,” said the nurse, “but don’t you think this is enough of the babies, already?”
 
Ruth replied, “Are you joking? This is the only time I get to have a vacation each year.”
 
•••
 
The time had arrived for Moshe to take his Leah to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor.
 
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to ten percent for starters, explaining that even ten percent was probably more pain than Moshe had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, Moshe felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to twenty percent pain transfer. Moshe was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for fifty percent. Moshe continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out Leah considerably, Moshe encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. Leah delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. Leah and Moshe were ecstatic.
 
When they got home, they found their milkman dead at their front door.
 
•••
 
Miriam gets on a bus with her baby. As she goes to pay her fare, the bus driver says to her, “I’ve seen a lot of babies in my time but that’s the ugliest one I’ve ever seen in my life.”
 
Miriam is shocked and very angry at this insensitive remark. She sits down and starts to cry. The man next to her asks her what’s the matter.
 
Miriam replies, “The bus driver just insulted me.”
 
The man replies, “I wouldn’t let him get away with it. You go and give him a piece of your mind. Go on—I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
 
•••
 
Little Benjy was in his Hebrew class and was learning all about how God created everything, including humans. He was especially interested when his teacher got to the bit about how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later that day, Benjy’s mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, so she said to him, “Benjy, darling, what’s the matter with you?”
 
Benjy replied, “I have a pain in my side, Mom. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
 
•••
 
As his wife was expecting their first baby, Rabbi Bloom went to the synagogue committee and asked for a salary increase. After much deliberation, they passed a resolution that when the rabbi’s family expanded again, so would his payslip.
 
Six children later, it began to get expensive for the shul and they decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the rabbi’s salary situation. This time there was much arguing and shouting. Rabbi Bloom could take it no more, so he got up and said, “Having children is an act of God.”
 
The chairman replied, “Snow and storms are also ‘acts of God,’ but when it gets to be too much, we wear rubbers.”
 
Circumcision
 
“I’m getting operated on tomorrow.”
 
“Oh? What are they going to do?”
 
“Circumcise me!”
 
“I had that done when I was just a few days old.”
 
“Did it hurt?”
 
“I couldn’t walk for a year.”
 
•••
 
And Moses said unto the Lord, “We are Your chosen people and You want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?”
 
•••
 
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the exhaust pipe.
 
•••
 
A tax official visited a rural synagogue for an inspection. Rabbi Gold accompanied him.
 
“So rabbi, tell me please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?”
 
“Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us.”
 
“Ah. So what about candles after they are burned? What do you do with the ends?”
 
“We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us.”
 
“And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?”
 
The rabbi, wearily, replied, “We send them to the city as well.”
 
“To the city? And when you do this, what do they send to you?”
 
“Today they have sent you to us.”
 
•••
 
Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
 
A: A bris kit.
 
•••
 
Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew who is more than eight days old?
 
A: A girl.
 
•••
 
Morris was a very uneducated man, but by ruthless means became very rich. The older Morris got, the richer he got, the richer he got, the more women he had, the more women he had, the less use he was to them. One day, Morris went to the top surgeon in the business and said, “I want to be castrated.”
 
“You want to be WHAT?”
 
“I said castrated, my sexual powers are failing. I insist you operate at once.”
 
The surgeon was a bit dubious, but in view of this last statement, and for a fee of $4,000, he carried out the operation.
 
Some weeks later, Morris was drinking in his local pub, listening to the conversation at the next table. “Hey, Barney,” said one of the group, “Do you think there’s any truth to the rumor that if a man gets himself circumcised, it improves his sexual performance?”
 
Morris quickly left the pub muttering to himself “Circumcised, that was the word I’ve been trying to think of.”
 
•••
 
Benjamin, a young Talmud student who had left Israel for New York some years earlier, returns to visit his family.
 
“But Benjamin, where is your beard?” asks...